I thought about it for a long time and I kept coming to the conclusion that I very much wanted to not only repair my marriage, but I just could not push these thoughts and doubts out of my head. I wanted to be happy again in the worst way, but I was absolutely stuck.
Some days I would start to be receptive to my husband, but the nasty, negative thoughts would return to my head again and I’d take two steps back. Before I tell you what helped me, I have to really stress here that I am not an expert and I can’t make you any guarantees about your success or results. Please don’t substitute my advice for your own or for someone who is an expert. These are only what helped for me. If you have any questions about this you can read the terms of service and affiliate disclosures.
One day, while surfing the net, I came across a book or ecourse called “Break Free From The Affair” by Dr. Bob Huizenga. His website blew my mind because he was talking and describing in vivid detail the exact swings I was having. He explains why neither tactic (being overly accommodating or being overly angry) will help you and helps to guide you to a happy medium between the two. This book is very big on reassuring you that the affair is not your fault and shows you exactly how to restore your power in the relationship. I really needed this. Although this book explores the seven types of affairs, helps you identify what type you are dealing with and takes you by the hand to fix it, what really made it invaluable to me is that Dr. Huizenga is amazing at helping you restore your self esteem and realize that this is in no way your fault.
The truth is, if you crumble and are beaten by this, you are in a compromised, damaged state that will effect not only your self worth, but your ability to be an equal partner and have an equal voice in this marriage (and in fixing it). This inequality contributes to behavior that is not going to help things.
Here is a resource that was brought to my attention because many people have difficulties with trust: “mourn
Step One is helping the innocent party (in my case the wife) get over the rage filled feelings about the affair.
Step Two is helping the person who was cheating understand why they did and explain this to the other partner in a loving way.
The Third Step is working through it as a couple to address these issues, fix them, and ensure that it never happens again.
I needed both resources, but when asked to describe how they are different, I would say that “Break Free From The Affair” really concentrates on building you up, reassuring you that it is not your fault, helping you to understand why it happened, and guiding you in taking your power back.
“Surviving An Affair” gives you a concrete plan, exercises and check lists to help you identify what you are dealing with and how to best handle it so that you are both fulfilled in the end. It focuses on using the affair as a wake up call to make your marriage stronger in the end.
I also used a resource to regain my self worth as a woman and sexual confidence. But more on that later. I’m not sure if I would have been ready for that unless I had already begun to heal. I do believe that a healthy sex life is vital and it makes this process easier. But it’s very difficult to have that if you don’t also have the emotional connection. To read how it ended for me, click here.
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