What Finally Moved Me Forward
I thought about it for a long time and I kept coming to the conclusion that I very much wanted to not only repair my marriage, but I just could not push these thoughts and doubts out of my head. I wanted to be happy again in the worst way, but I was absolutely stuck.
Some days I would start to be receptive to my husband, but the nasty, negative thoughts would return to my head again and I’d take two steps back. Before I tell you what helped me, I have to really stress here that I am not an expert and I can’t make you any guarantees about your success or results. Please don’t substitute my advice for your own or for someone who is an expert. These are only what helped for me.
One day, while surfing the net, I came across some books and ecourses that appear to be out of print now. I am looking for replacements that I can link to which might be similar. But what I read blew my mind because the author was talking and describing in vivid detail the exact swings I was having. He explains why neither tactic (being overly accommodating or being overly angry) will help you and helps to guide you to a happy medium between the two. This book was very big on reassuring you that the affair is not your fault and shows you exactly how to restore your power in the relationship. I really needed this.
The truth is, if you crumble and are beaten by this, you are in a compromised, damaged state that will affect not only your self worth, but your ability to be an equal partner and have an equal voice in this marriage (and in fixing it). This inequality contributes to behavior that is not going to help things.
I also found a resource that was brought to my attention because many people have difficulties with trust and it listed a way to heal step by step.
Step One is helping the innocent party (in my case the wife) get over the rage filled feelings about the affair.
Step Two is helping the person who was cheating understand why they did and explain this to the other partner in a loving way.
The Third Step is working through it as a couple to address these issues, fix them, and ensure that it never happens again.
This sounds simplistic, but honestly, it helped me sometimes to think of things more broadly so I could easily know where I was in the process.
I also used these resources to regain my self worth as a woman and sexual confidence. But more on that later. I’m not sure if I would have been ready for that unless I had already begun to heal. I do believe that a healthy sex life is vital and it makes this process easier. But it’s very difficult to have that if you don’t also have the emotional connection. To read how it ended for me, click here.
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