Wanting To Move On, But Not Being Able To
In the coming weeks, my husband did everything in his power to make it up to me. He told his firm he no longer wanted the promotion, so we were again staying put. He was at my beck and call and made his whereabouts available to me at all times. I had no doubt in my heart that he was truly sorry.
Despite my rage, I also knew I did not want to end this marriage. We had so many wonderful years and memories behind us. I did not want some stupid, blonde low life to cause me to lose what I had worked so hard to build or deprive my children of their father.
Still even though I was determined to put this behind me, I just could not. I kept thinking about her, what he did with her, and if he would rather be with her. This whole thing absolutely killed my self esteem and I began to obsess over whether I was smart enough, pretty enough, or alluring enough to keep my husband.
I shared this with the counselor, but she really didn’t help too much. She kept telling me that these things took time and why didn’t we take the opportunity to work on my own issues? I agreed that I needed to work on myself, but I swear she sided with my husband every chance she got. I thought having a female counselor would benefit me, but this one really didn’t. Maybe it was a personality conflict, I don’t know. In retrospect, things may have moved more quickly had I allowed myself to discard the things that weren’t working for me then.
And, because I was having these negative feelings, I lashed out at my husband every chance I got. It was tragic because here we were both trying to work it out and he was doing everything he could, but it was me, not him, that couldn’t get past it.
Later, I swung from one extreme to another. One morning I would wake up and think that I was going to try to be receptive to him and work on our relationship, and then by afternoon I would have visions of that woman sitting on the couch with a bottle of wine and it would ruin my mood. It was either one extreme or another.
Either I would be the accommodating wife who wanted to work it out (this would never last long though) or I would be the furious, impulsive person who would lash out and say and do things that would harm our attempts to save the marriage. And, in the back of my mind, I was thinking “no wonder he cheated on you, you’re being awful,” but I just could not stop myself.
Eventually, though, I learned what I needed to move past it. You can find out what, by clicking here.
Filed under: Being Stuck by administration
